The brief, the running order, every line.

The couple: Priya and Tom. Date: May 23, 2027. Tone: warm and funny. Where: United Kingdom.

How I know them: Tom's housemate for three years in Leeds; met Priya the week they started dating. she cooked lasagne for the whole house to win us over. it worked.

Timeline from the venue: 7:00 guests seated. 7:10 intro bridal party + couple. 7:20 speeches: dad, best man, maid of honour. 8:00 dinner. 9:00 first dance, then cake. 9:30 band. 11:30 carriages.

Speakers: Raj (Priya's dad), Sam (best man, Tom's brother), Anika (maid of honour, Priya's sister). Priya says five minutes each max. Raj has been practising on the dog.

Entrance, in order: Priya's parents Meera and Raj; Tom's mum Sue; bridesmaids Anika and Jess; groomsmen Sam and Lucas; then Priya and Tom.

Housekeeping: bar is free till 10 then cash; toilets through the double doors by the band; no phones during the first dance; photographer wants everyone on the lawn at 8:45 for a group photo; taxis at 11:30 from the front.

Stories: Tom is late for everything, the train station thing (Priya waited 50 minutes on their second date and still married him). the lasagne. they met at a pub quiz, her team beat ours by one point and he asked for a rematch. the rematch was the date.

Leave out: nothing about Tom's old job.

7:00 · Welcome · wait for the music to fade · smile first, then speakGood evening, everyone, and welcome to the bit of the day with food in it. My name is Dev. I was Tom's housemate for three years, which means I am one of the few people here who has seen him try to iron a shirt, and the only one who has eaten more of Priya's lasagne than he has. Priya and Tom have asked me to keep tonight running on time. Those of you who have ever waited for Tom at a train station will understand why they did not ask him.

Three quick things before the fun starts. The bar is free until ten o'clock, so pace yourselves, or don't, it's a wedding. The toilets are through the double doors by the band. And at a quarter to nine the photographer would like every single one of us on the lawn for one big photo, so if you see a man waving at you from the grass, that is not a stranger, that is your cue.

7:10 · Entrance · stand by the dance floor · wait for the DJ's nod · read the names slowlyNow, please stand, make some noise, and welcome the people who got these two here. First, the parents of the bride, and the reason the lasagne recipe exists: Meera and Raj! Next, the woman who raised a man who is late to everything except, thankfully, today: Tom's mum, Sue! The bridesmaids, Anika and Jess! The groomsmen, Sam and Lucas! And now, for the first time anywhere, as a married couple, who met at a pub quiz when her team beat his by one point, and who have been competing ever since: Priya and Tom!

7:20 · Speeches · wait for the room to settle · look at RajBefore dinner, three people have asked to say a few words, and I have been told to keep each of them to five minutes. I was also told that none of them will listen to me. First, a man who has waited twenty-nine years to give this speech and has, I am told, been practising it on the dog: Priya's dad, Raj.

after Raj · lead the applause · mic to SamThank you, Raj. The dog has clearly been a good audience. Next, the best man, who shared a bedroom with the groom for twelve years and has somehow agreed to keep it to five minutes: Tom's brother, Sam.

after Sam · mic to AnikaThank you, Sam. Tom, I'm sure none of that was true. Last, the maid of honour, Priya's sister, who told me she has not prepared anything and then showed me four pages: Anika.

after Anika · check with the catering manager before this lineThank you, Anika. Raise your glasses, everyone, one more time, to Priya and Tom. And now, the part you came for: dinner is served. Tables will be called from the front, and yes, that means the top table eats first. They did pay for it.

8:45 · Lawn · photographer waves · keep it to one lineEveryone, this is the waving man moment. Grab your drink, and come out to the lawn for the one photo that will be on the mantelpiece for the next forty years.

9:00 · First dance · couple at the floor · say the phones line before the musicPlease find a spot around the dance floor. The couple have asked for one thing: phones away for this one song. Priya and Tom, the floor is yours.

after the song · cake tableAnd while we are all here, the cake. Priya says it took her mum two days. Tom says he helped. We will let them cut it before we decide who is right.

9:30 · Band · one line, then off the micThe band is on, the floor is open, and the bar is still free for twenty-five more minutes. Go.

9:55 · Bar · from the side of the room, one lineLast round on the house, the bar goes cash at ten.

11:20 · Send-off · band leader's nodOne last dance, everyone, then taxis at half past from the front. Priya and Tom: for the first time in his life, Tom is leaving on time. Thank you all for coming.